The more I try to run away

The more I try to run away from you and your memories the harder it gets for me, every single thing reminds me of you, it seems as if i am entangled in your life, every little thing reminds me of you, even the grimmest lyrics of each song that you liked reminds me of you. The songs that you loved have become a memory for me to live by even though I hated them all but now i listed to them over and over again falling deeper and deeper in my thoughts of you and your memories. Some lyrics of a song are so piercing that they make it hard for me to cope with myself and bring a tear to the eye thinking why it never worked out for us.  An excerpt of a song I recently came across brought back all the memories that I had tucked away in the vault of my heart never to be unlocked ever again.

Her Zulam tera yaad hai bhola tu naheen hoon
Aye wada faramoosh main tujhsa tu naheen hoon

Sahil pe khare ho tumhain kya ghum chalay jana
Main doob raha hoon abhi doba tu naheen hoon

Chup chap sahi maslehatan wakat k hathoon
Majbor sahi wakat se hara tu naheen hoon

Aye wada faramoosh main tujhsa tu naheen hoon
Her Zulam tera yaad hai bhola tu naheen hoon

Muster kyon mujhay deekhta rehta hai zamana
Deewana sahi un k tamasha tu naheen hoon

Aye wada faramoosh main tujhsa tu naheen hoon
Her Zulam tera yaad hai bhola tu naheen hoon

One last Thing

All you had to do was tell me once, just once that it was not I that you wanted but your heart was placed somewhere and it was an abode for someone that you thought was perfect for you, I swear upon my life that I would not have uttered a single word to you, would have never questioned  a single thing and just move on with my life and wish you the best of luck. How hard was it for you to be honest to me about such a thing when I even asked for your permission before leading onto anything else. I always told you that it is your happiness that holds the most importance in my life yet you chose not to tell me.

I shouldn’t have uttered a single word even when I found out about it all, should have never made any judgements, should have never questioned your integrity regardless of how and what I felt at that time, I came back every single time because I knew what I wanted in life and I knew that you were my dream but some dreams I guess are just left as dreams and you will be the best dream I have ever had and no one can take that away from me, not even you.

One last Thing

All you had to do was tell me once, just once that it was not I that you wanted but your heart was placed somewhere and it was an abode for someone that you thought was perfect for you, I swear upon my life that I would not have uttered a single word to you, would have never questioned  a single thing and just move on with my life and wish you the best of luck. How hard was it for you to be honest to me about such a thing when I even asked for your permission before leading onto anything else. I always told you that it is your happiness that holds the most importance in my life yet you chose not to tell me.

I shouldn’t have uttered a single word even when I found out about it all, should have never made any judgements, should have never questioned your integrity regardless of how and what I felt at that time, I came back every single time because I knew what I wanted in life and I knew that you were my dream but some dreams I guess are just left as dreams and you will be the best dream I have ever had and no one can take that away from me, not even you.

The End

This past weekend was a special day in my life, had everyone around me as I accepted wishes from a lot of people but all I could think about was you and all I could wait for was your wish. I was expecting till the very last moment to receive a wish from you hoping that you might have remembered me on my birthday. I thought maybe just maybe for old times sake that you might wish me. Clearly I was wrong, you’re so close to me yet so far, I spent the whole weekend just mourning of this state and how I am a fool for still believing it all. 

After contemplating for a significant amount of time, I found some hope out of nowhere, I got a feeling that maybe I need to just move on rather than clinging on to this hopeless cause. I see you everyday, I miss you everyday, I wish for you every day, I pray for you every day and I will until the last breath I take but as for now, I think ill have to kill the soul within me and just be happy in your happiness and not repent on the past anymore... Its all but a sad demise of my hopes and dreams. 

The obstacles in life will go on, everything will still move, this blog will always play a special part and I will come back and reflect on all that ive written for you but as far as writing something new is concerned, this is the last of what you will see, Ive got a heavy heart and a million thoughts to share but I guess its not worth it since its just a dead end.

This blog has helped me a lot, it got me through the tough times, it got me closer to you, even if all I wrote put a smile on your face even once then my purpose has been fulfilled. As for me, you will never have to bear with me anymore, you wont ever have to deal with me, Ill vanish completely from even your fondest memories so I bid you good bye and I bid you farewell for we once shared something magical but all good things must come to an end as ive heard and this is my end!