Its time like these when I cannot help myself but to come
here and speak my heart out about what it is that I am going through, I have
bottled it all up for much too long now and I feel like I need to let it out of
me. There is no one to listen no one to talk to except for all this that I
write.
Its something to admit that I have after a long and hard
battle let go of all that used to kill me each day but its days and festivities
like today that still keep me caged in to my past and work like a shackle that
even the strong tool of time has not been able to break. I don’t want to take you back to the misery hence the silence but I still hope
each day that one day you might get in touch. It’s a hopeless wish I admit but
by far the only hope that I probably will cling on to for quite a long time
(forever maybe). I don’t know whats the purpose of me doing all this and
writing it all but what I do know is that this is something that I cannot help.
I could easily got in touch but I don’t want you to hate me
any further than you already do. I don’t blame you for anything and I have not
the slightest bit of hate in my heart for you. I still pray to this day that
you smile at every moment that you possibly can and have to never face a single
disturbing moment in your life.
I don’t know where you are in this world and I have no
intentions to attempt and locate you as I know this will bring even more misery
to you because I have made peace with the fact that I am that one person that
you probably hate the most in this world.
I have come to accept that it is GOD’s will that decides
everything for us. I know that we were meant to meet for a reason and the
reason wasn’t at all what I had hoped to be. Maybe it’s a good lesson for the
both of us. It taught me a lot that I cannot have whatever I want and I have to
learn to cherish the little things that come my way.
The moment I woke up this morning, it all came back to me,
how you used to gleam with joy and celebrated when the color of your henna
turned out to be really dark just the way you liked it to be. Dressing up and
sharing what a beautiful day it was and how you loved meeting people and this
day was the perfect opportunity for you to do that. The endless conversations
we used to have about how great you look and how perfect GOD has made you. I
used to wait anxiously for all the pictures that you take and upload so I can
take a look at them over and over again.
That was the only reason why this auspicious occasion was
one to celebrate for me. I used to buy you things and look forward to seeing
you to give you your gifts. What brings a tear to the eye is the fact that I
will never be able to relive those moments, they are nothing but sweet memories
that I have to keep hope alive and wish that someone that you love will love
and treat you the same way.
I know that I was not the one that you wanted and I was
always ok with that because it was I that told you to always be happy and that
you happiness was all that mattered. I guess in the midst of trying to bring
all the possible happiness I could for you, I kind of got selfish and started
expecting a bit from you. I know I shouldn’t have but it was something I had no
control over hence the reason why I lost what wasn’t even mine in the beginning.
Every success, every achievement, every accomplishment and
every occasion seems dry and kind of empty because I don’t have you to share it
with me. My happiness used to get extra special when I shared it with you. I
just wanted to give you the best in life and maybe I will be successful in
bring you just that someday but for now I guess memories are all I am left
with.
In the end I would just like to say that one thing that
brings us together is that we live under the same sky so tonight as I wish upon
the stars for your happiness, I wish for you to just look up at the sky and
smile, just for one reason and one
reason alone that someone somewhere in this world is always thinking about you
and prays that you get all the happiness in the world.
